We’ve all had our share of celebrity crushes.
We just can’t help but admire the glint in their eyes and their killer smiles. So, it’s no surprise that Filipino graphic artist Melnar Arquillo decided to express his feelings for his celebrity crushes through a lengthy but funny Facebook “letter”.
“THE BREAKUP LETTER THAT WAS NEVER SENT”July 12, 2018Alam kong dapat noon ko pa ginawa ito. Dapat noon ko pa sinabi…
In each photoshopped picture, Arquillo writes a hilarious hugot (heart wrenching) line as to what he should’ve said to his favorite celebrities when they were still “dating.”
Here’s what he had to say to each of his celebrity crushes:
For Kathryn Bernardo:
“Kath, simula nang mag-break tayo, palagi kong naaalala ang mga tawagan natin sa isa’t-isa:
- Paghaluin ang mga sangkap
- Painitin ang oven
- Ilagay ang masa
- Hintaying maluto
- Palamigin at ihain”
(Kath, even though we’ve already broken up, I still can’t forget the names we called each other:
6. Mix the ingredients above
7. Pre-heat the oven
8. Place the batter inside
9. Watch it get baked
Let it cool off before serving)
For Erich Gonzales:
“Sinubukan kong makipagbalikan sa’yo, Erich. Pero sabi mo, pagod ka na. Wala na, finish na!”
(I tried to fight for our relationship, Erich. But you said, you were tired. So it’s done, it’s finished!)
For Maja Salvador:
“Maja, gusto ko sanang mabilis na maka-move on sa ‘yo… pero sabi mo, dahan dahan lang.”
(Maja, I wanted to get over you quick… but you said to take it one step at a time)
For Pia Wurtzbach:
“Naalala ko noong nag-swimming tayo, Pia. Lumangoy ako palapit sa ’yo tapos nagalit ka kasi biglang uminit ang tubig sa paligid mo. Pero bakit kasalanan ko, parang kasalanan ko?”
(Pia, I remembered the time when we went swimming together. You got mad when the water got warm as I swam closer to you. You made it feel like it was my fault, was it my fault?)
For Julia Barretto:
“Julia, alam ko na kung bakit hindi ka nag-stay — dahil bawal na ang tambay.”
(Julia, I know why you didn’t want me to stay — because ‘tambays’ are no longer allowed)
For Emma Watson:
“Kate – Titanic
Rachel – The Notebook
Lily – Love, Rosie
Emma – hal pa rin kita”
(Kate – Titanic
Rachel – The Notebook
Lily – Love, Rosie
Emma – I still love you)
For Vice Ganda:
“Vice, ayoko nang uminom kasama ka, dahil pinatunayan mo lang na kapag may alak, may balak… umiyak.”
(Vice, I don’t want to drink with you because when there’s alcohol involved, there’s always an intent to… let out one’s emotions and cry.)
For Coleen Garcia:
“Minsan iniisip ko, baka ipinaglihi ako sa sardinas… kasi palagi ko na lang ipinagsiksikan ang sarili ko.”
(Sometimes, I wonder if I really love sardines… because many times, I find myself thinking that I always squeeze myself unto you like sardines in a can.)
For Maureen Wroblewitz:
“Noon pa man, ayaw na sa ‘kin ng tatay mo. Makakapatay daw siya pag nakita pa niyang magkasama tayo. Pero hindi ko siya sinunod dahil… Bakit ako matatakot?! Malakas po ang guardian angel ko sa likod!”
(Ever since before, your father never approved of me. He once said he’d kill me if he ever saw us together. But I never listened to him… and why? Because I’ve got one of the strongest guardian angels with me.)
For Anne Curtis:
“Anne, alam kong nami-miss mo din ‘to — yung tipong maliligo ka pa lang… pero ako ready na! CHARAAANNE!”
(Anne, I know you miss this — the times when I’m all ready and you’re still preparing to take a bath. ‘CHARAAANNE!’)
For Jinkee Pacquiao:
“Noong mga panahong wala sa inyo ang gustong makipag-usap sa ‘kin, pinayuhan ako ni Ninang Jinkee: ‘Wag kang mag-alala, Melnar. Naranasan ko din yan. Mapait ang buhay ko noon. Talagang naghirap kami syempre, pero bilib pa rin ako kay Mami Dionisia. Sa kabila ng pait, smile pa rin sya. Doon ko nakita na kahit anong pait ng buhay kaya pa itong pasarapin. Parang 3-in-1 coffee — walang pait dahil hiniwalay ko ang mga ingredients at tinanggal ko ang kape para mawala ang pait para makabangon kami.’ ”
(During the time when no one wanted to talk to me, Jinkee advised: ‘Don’t worry, Melnar. I’ve been through that before. My life was difficult and we really struggled. In those times, I learned to admire Mommy Dionisia. Because in spite of all the difficulties that come her way, she was still able to smile about it. That’s really when I realized that there’s always some good that comes with the bad — just like 3-in-1 coffee when you remove all the ingredients to take away the bitterness of coffee.)
For Yassi Pressman:
“Alam mo ba, Alyana, sooobrang saya ko noong malaman kong namatay na si Cardo, dahil akala ko may pag-asa na ulit tayo. Pero p*tang*na panaginip mo lang pala?! Yung totoo, ikaw ba ang nagbigay ng infinity stones kay Cardo?! Umamin ka! Binigyan mo din si Sen. Enrile, ano?!
Hays, akala ko pa naman advance akong mag-isip. E bakit hindi ko naisip na lolokohin mo lang ako? May joke pa naman sana ako tungkol sa Amprobinsyano… kaso baka hindi matapos.
Mahirap mang tanggapin pero dito na nagtatapos ang liham ko. Masaya ako na sa wakas ay naibigay ko na ang closure na hinihingi niyo. Umaasa akong balang araw ay makaka-move on din kayo. Palagi niyong tatandaan na minahal ko kayo… kahit hindi naman talaga naging tayo. Oo, hindi naging tayo. Advance lang talaga ang isip ko.
Hanggang dito na lang. Wala na, Finish na, MILNARYO.”
(Did you know, Alyana, that I was ecstatic when Cardo died? Because I thought that we’d finally have a chance to be together. But darn it, it was only a dream! And tell the truth, did you give Cardo the infinity stones? Tell me! Did you also give them to Senator Enrile?
I thought I was able to think ahead but I’d never imagine you’d play with my emotions. I was even going to say a joke about the show Probinsyano but I don’t think I’ll ever share it.
Though it may be hard to take in, this is where my letter ends. I hope each of you gets the closure you need after our breakup. And one day, I hope you’ll be able to move on and find someone special. But remember that I have loved you each… even though our stories weren’t meant to be.
Yes, so maybe we were never really together… I guess I just think in advance.
It’s done, it’s finished. From the millionaire.)
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