It’s the Yuletide season already, meaning it’s time for the holidays, gift-giving and family gathering. Sadly, I’ve lost track of time because things have been tough lately since you left. These past few months have been unbearable and I just miss you so much.
I still don’t know how I am supposed to talk about it, but I’ll be pouring all my resentment and feelings here. Years have already passed and I’m still here, waiting if you’ll come back even after I left you. Still drowned with all the thoughts about you. Still overthinking my decisions lately. Still regretting all the actions that I’ve made despite the lingering connection between us. I took you for granted, I know. But now, I’m the one who’s still broken with all the pieces that you’ve left me with. You wanted to help me but all I did was stab myself with those broken pieces. I also stabbed you with the words, “I don’t want you anymore. I want to change.”
I’ve grown into an adult and yet, I keep on coming back to those days. I always see your old photos–you’re smiling. You’ve always been one to stay positive in spite of the things that are happening around you. You have always been optimistic. I remember how you would talk to your friends about that film you really really loved–and how after that, you’d tell them that someday, you will be able to write and direct your own movie and make it to the big screen. Because of your “can do” attitude, you’ve never failed to remind me that everyone should pursue their dreams and keep their heads up high.
I’ve also always felt that you’re passionate about what you do. You didn’t let anyone or anything bring you down. And you’ve always had that power to make everyone smile. But now, I cannot even comprehend what you are trying to make me feel because every time I see you, I feel this pain inside my chest. There are a lot of confusions, disappointments, and unfathomable frustrations. In fact, life has been dragging me into this huge pit of darkness since you’ve gone, and I can’t really function most of the time.
Maybe, in the process where I lost you, I was just lost too. Lost in that madness that I couldn’t even classify. Perhaps, this is what adulting does–it makes you feel the need to leave someone in order to have someone more ‘worthy’ come into your life. It makes you feel as if everything is alright even when it’s not.
But what can I say, the damage has been done and it’s already the end of the year. And as I approach 2020, I’m still hoping that (maybe) there’s a chance for us to be together again. I’m really sorry and I love you.
So, Merry Christmas, my former self. I know you’re still in there–I will just be needing a lot of courage to pull you out of the darkness.
The 2019 version of you
InqPOP! Creator Community/ Nesh Callas/ FM
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