At some point in our lives, we had someone who we constantly talked to and spent time with. Friends we thought would be by our side for the rest of our lives. But as time passed and fate took its course, some of them became only a chapter in our lives, before eventually going our separate ways.
And sometimes, losing a friend can hurt more than losing a romantic partner. After all, friendships can last for years, becoming such a big part of our lives that their loss can leave a different kind of emptiness.
Erla Grace Agutaya, a registered psychologist with two years of experience, told POP! that friendship breakups can be more painful because such relationships are “woven” into our daily lives.
“You’re not losing just a person, but you’re losing more than that, [including] ‘yung mga potential future [and] memories natin sa kanila. Kaya it hurts,” she said.
Meanwhile, Cienaj Ayen Misajon, who experienced the loss of a seven-year friendship, said that losing a friend is different from ending a romantic relationship.
“When you enter a romantic relationship, may thought agad na the relationship [might] come to an end because of the things na nakikita natin around [social media],” Misajon said.
There’s an unspoken expectation that friendships are bound to last, especially when they have been part of our lives for years. Unlike romantic relationships—which are often seen as having the potential to end—friendships can feel like they are meant to stay.
According to Agutaya, romantic relationships have a defined structure, with rules such as having a label, following specific routines, and engaging in “intentional” activities. Friendships, meanwhile, can be more “ambiguous,” with fewer expectations and it can have multiple interpretations depending on each party of the companionship.
“There are no defined rules as to how friendship works. So, less ‘yung social structure and it’s often gradual and sometimes never discussed,” Agutaya added, referring to the difference in losing friendships over romance partners.
While you can announce romantic breakups in front of people, it’s not the same case with friendship fallouts. There is often no formal conversation or clear ending, leaving people to navigate the loss without the closure that usually comes with a romantic breakup.
Agutaya noted that people may have less “permission” to grieve the loss of a friendship because it is not as socially recognized—in contrast with grieving a romantic relationship.
Without a formal breakup conversation like romantic relationships have, ending a friendship creates far more ambiguity. A friendship fallout is unclear if one should either repair, wait, or move on.
Friendships can also reflect the attachment styles people develop from their early relationships with their primary caregivers, Agutaya said.
She explained that people with anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment styles can also manifest in friendships. Anxious friends may become people-pleasers, while avoidant friends may distance themselves from conflict. Those with disorganized attachment may suddenly leave such kind of relationships.
Aftermath of a fallout
Losing years of friendship can affect one’s well-being. Agutaya said that it is common to feel sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, and sometimes overthink or ruminate.
Misajon said she was able to cope by talking to people around her about what happened and how she felt.
Agutaya said the first step in processing the loss is to acknowledge the end of the friendship. “Allow yourself to grieve. So, name that loss. Sabihin mo na, ‘I lost that friendship,’” she said.
She also reminded people to maintain basic routines such as eating, sleeping, and exercising. Feelings of grief may come in waves, particularly when memories or important dates bring back thoughts of the friendship.
Agutaya said seeking professional help may be appropriate when the distress becomes severe enough to affect how a person functions on a daily.
One sign of healing is when thoughts of the former friend no longer dominate a person’s day. It also means being able to recognize both what was valued in the relationship and what was not working.
“It’s okay to remember the person, the memories, but we should also keep in mind that we’re grieving,” Agutaya added.
She also mentioned that it is possible to miss someone while still moving forward, as acceptance does not require a person to stop caring about the friendship.
“[Acceptance] doesn’t mean it didn’t matter that you agree with how it ended, or you have to stop missing that [person]. It’s okay to grieve for the friendship that you lost,” she said.
Meanwhile, Misajon encouraged those experiencing friendship loss to allow themselves to feel the pain.
“It [will] serve as a reminder na the universe or God is creating this space in your life to make way for something greater or [someone better],” she added.
Some friendships may end in our life, but that does not mean they meant nothing. Sometimes, their ending becomes part of what helps us grow and move forward.
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