You might have heard that E.L. James’ new book, “Grey”, hit the shelves last week and it’s basically the “50 Shades of Grey” story as told by the male “protagonist”, Christian Grey. Now, we strongly recommend against laying eyes upon whatever fresh literary horror the book has in store for everyone, that’s why we made the sacrifice and *cringe* read the book just so you won’t have to subject yourself to the comparative of a butthole to a “chocolate starfish” from the perspective of an abuser. And because we can’t put the whole book here, here are the worst lines in “Grey”:
“She has a small, sweet face that is blushing now, an innocent pale rose. I wonder briefly if all her skin is like that — flawless — and what would it look like pink and warm from the cane.”
Obviously, Mr. Grey here has objectified “little Miss Steele” from the start. How shocking!
“‘It’s shrewd business,’ I mutter, feigning boredom, and I imagine fucking that mouth to distract myself from all thoughts of hunger. Yes, her mouth needs training, and I imagine her on her knees before me. Now, that thought is appealing.”
Every paragraph, it seems, is just Christian thinking about sex. We can’t wait for what’s next!
“So you want to possess things?”
Yes, baby. You, for one.
*feminist tears*
“Are you gay, Mr. Grey?”
What the hell!
Oops, sorry if Ana hurt your fragile male ego, Christian.
Why no boyfriend Miss Steele? Sexual orientation unknown — perhaps she’s gay.
Yes, Grey. Because that’s the only reason girls have no boyfriends. It’s totally not because there are douchebags like you that exist. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
“Do you always wear jeans?” I ask.
“Mostly,” she says, and it’s two strikes against her: incurable romantic who only wears jeans…I like my women in skirts. I like them accessible.
“You didn’t have to track me down with whatever James Bond gadgetry you’re developing for the highest bidder.”
Woah! Now she’s pissed? Why?
We don’t know either because we’d totally swoon if some guy we just met stalked us??
I’m hard.
Instantly.
I want her.
Here.
Now.
In the elevator.
Aaaaaand that’s the whole book in 6 lines.
I’m going to make you come like a freight train, baby.
Maybe I should pay her a visit, just to make sure it’s a “no.” Maybe I could persuade her otherwise. […] I don’t believe this. She needs to look me in the eye and say no.
How dare she talk about herself like that? As my submissive, she’ll be so much more than that. I’ll be devoted to her. Does she not realize this?
Oh, Grey. Please stop before we throw ourselves at your feet. We are thrumming with kilig right now.
“So you don’t like the way I am?” Her voice is small.
“I think you’re lovely the way you are.”
“So why are you trying to change me?”
“I don’t want to change you.”
Please explain how trying to control her every move, modify her way of dressing, and scare each and every one of her friends out of her life is totally different from trying to change her. (10 pts.)
A tad overdramatic, Miss Steele. You could’ve said no.
Need we remind you of the last time Ana said no????
She takes a bite, then another…and another. She’s eating!
This literary gem, though.
And, finally, we’d like to award the most erotic line to…
She has a fresh, wholesome fragrance that reminds me of my grandfather’s apple orchard.
…because our grandpas’ apple orchards = sexy.